Guys, stop. I look at a lot of your profiles and I keep seeing the same things, and it’s driving me crazy.
Stop doing these things.
- Telling me what you’re not.
“I don’t take shirtless pics of myself in the mirror, I don’t carry a murse, I’m not a douchebag”
OK, but who are you? And in the list of things you’re not, you kind of ignored some important ones… like not a murderer, rapist, woman, gang member, etc. “Oh, you’re a convicted felon? Well at least you don’t carry a murse!”
What is your objective? Is this what you assume every other dude on the site is doing and you’re trying to differentiate yourself? Or are you posting this as a warning because so many girls love guys that carry murses that you’re finding this adversely affects your chances as a non-murse-carrying guy? These are real questions – what is your actual objective?! Because I don’t know.
- Telling me what you don’t want
And I don’t mean “I don’t want to date a smoker.”
This goes hand-in-hand with #1. If you don't want a girl that takes duckface pictures of herself in the mirror, don't message girls with those photos.
And when you spend a lot of time telling me you don’t want drama or princesses or pyschos or drama queens or fake bitches or daddy issues it makes me think that you probably have crappy taste in women.
Yes, the web is a sucky place to try to find love, or at least dates. Yes, you will encounter flakes, liars, people who misrepresent themselves, etc etc. But if you’ve encountered so many of these types that you've edited your profile to list the traits you're not interested in (e.g. dont message me if your in to drama) then you need to do one of two things: either quit online dating, or revise your screening strategy.
And if this is a list of the types of women that you’ve actually had relationships with, then maybe you’re the problem.
[Fun Fact: One guy actually put that he didn’t have any interest in talking to chicks that didn’t grow up with two married parents, and went on to say that he knows that women that didn’t grow up with a father have daddy issues. He was even somewhat apologetic about it, saying that he knows it’s unfair to blame the child for the parents’ mistakes but that he needed to steer clear. Because there is absolutely no way one parent, or two women, or two men, or whatever combination of friends and family could possibly ever raise a well-adjusted child. Basically he’s never seen Full House. I grew up with two married hetero parents and this still offended me to my core.]
- Putting “job” as your job
Or “making money” or “businessman” or “entrepreneur” or “it pays the bills” or any other stupid shit you can come up with to avoid putting what your job is. I see this on SO MANY profiles. Like probably at least half of them. If a girl put “making money” or “it pays the bills” as her job you’d assume she is a stripper. Should I assume you’re all strippers?
Also, when you put “artist/musician/chef/surf instructor/photographer” I don’t think “well-rounded.” I think “in denial about feasibility of making a career out of the arts; indecisive; probably has lived in his car at some point.”
Put the job that pays you money. If you have legitimate means of income from multiple lines of work, then pick the two that pay your bills, e.g. “photographer and surf instructor.” Then in the “about me” section you can tell me how you also play bass at weddings and you’ve sold a couple of your paintings.
- Messaging me and telling me you read my whole profile
Where did you get this idea that guys aren’t reading my profile? OK fine, you’re right, a lot of them aren’t. But most of them are, because I’ve put the effort in to make it funny and entertaining. And I can tell exactly when someone hasn’t read a line of it, when someone’s skimmed it, and when someone’s read the whole thing.
So what you are telling me is that you regularly message girls without having read their profiles.
So basically telling me you’re kind of a douche and you made an exception to being a douche just for me. Aww.
- Putting “no one reads these anyway” in your profile
Uh… I do. So this means one of two things: either you are getting messages from girls that haven’t read it (possible) or you don’t bother reading other people’s profiles (I’m gonna put my money on this one).
You and the dude from Peeve #4 should hang out. You can suck together.
- Not talk about your children
What. The. Fuck. You created offspring that you are partially or entirely responsible for physically, emotionally, and financially. I assume this (or these) tiny human (or tiny humans, or not-so-tiny humans) eats up a fair amount of your time and money and make conventional dating somewhat more difficult. And you probably love them. A lot. At least you really should.
So when you put “yes” to the “has children” question but then do not mention them at all, what the fuck dude. You are probably a terrible parent.
You don’t need to tell me their names or post their picture. But there is a big difference between a dude with shared custody of a two-year-old, and a dude with full custody of three kids ranging from seven to 12. And there’s an even bigger difference between the guys that say how many kids they have and how old they are, and the ones that don’t make a mention of them at all, and the difference is that I don’t really want to talk to guys in the latter group.
Also, you dads who put how old your kid is, that he/she is the love of your life, that you’ve got a good relationship with their mom, and that you’re not looking to introduce them to anyone right away? Kudos, you are being an amazing dad and I respect this so much and please have babies with me.
- eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeggggggggggggggggggggyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ill fill this out later
When you do this, I look at your profile picture and think of you making these noises while you ejaculate.